When I got home this afternoon, Smalls was having trouble breathing. I called a 24 hour vet hospital. They said to bring her in. On the drive down she started breathing through her mouth. I didn't think she would survive the drive. They took her right in, sedated her and put her in an oxygen tent. They took x-rays. Turns out she had fluid in her lungs. That can be caused by three things: 1) Heart Failure 2) Infection 3) Cancer.
As I waited, I thought about the different diagnoses. If it was one of the first two, I'd decided to treat it no matter what the cost. The third I didn't want to put her through chemo and the other treatments because of quality of life issues.
They tapped her chest and drained 180 ccs of fluid which is a lot of a cat her size and retook x-rays. The doctor said she saw what looked to be a mass, but we could wait until morning and have a radiologist look at it. The doctor then had me look at the x-rays myself. With my untrained eye, I could see two masses. I decided to have her put down.
Those seven words were easy to type, but the decision itself was so painful to make. I feel as if I piece of my heart went with Smalls tonight.
They put us in a room so we'd have time together. I snapped the above photo with my iPhone while we were in there. She was upset, then calmed down, then got upset again. I gave her lots of love and had her, at times, purring like an engine. They gave me the choice to be in there or not. I choose to be in there. I don't know if it made a difference for her, but I hope it did.
I'm heartbroken over this. Everyone is telling me I made the right decision, but it doesn't feel that way. I already miss her so much. Yes, Smalls had a good, long life. She came with our first house that we purchased in 1997. She wasn't a kitten then so we're not sure how old she was. But she was a great cat. She was a very small cat, too, which is where her name from, a name given to her by the people we bought our old house from.
Smalls was always to the left of me while I wrote. If she wasn't on the bed, then she was on the floor under my nightstand. She slept on my pillow and against my head. I feel horrible I wasn't here the last few days even though the vet said it wouldn't have mattered.
I will probably be laying low for a little bit and won't be on-line much. The girls are very upset. My husband and son won't be home until sometime Tuesday. We just need some time.
Take care. And be back soon!
